I am so tired of my pathetic, loser life. I am a good teacher, and I have the evaluations to prove it, and yet my school won't resign me for a third year. I am having a hard time finding a new job, and just got a rejection email today, saying that many qualified people applied, and unfortunately, I was not one of those. But, they want to keep my stuff on file for the future....yeah, right...that means forget it and that I suck. My current school is keeping male teachers who are not as good as I am. Their open classes were not as good as mine. I never missed a full day in two years, I taught as well as I could, and I always did paperwork, like report cards on time, etc. I was told I am too emotional, and that I yelled at kids, which is a big LIE, and that parents complained about my sadness. I highly doubt that at all.
There are a handful of women who just plain don't like me at this school. For two years, I have gotten dirty looks from them, coldness, and they look me up and down the way a man would. They are just jealous of me, and two of them backstabbed me and gossipped about me, pretending to be my friend. One of them took me to lunch last week, and I could see the guilt on her face. She helped get me booted, and thinks lunch will appease her guilty conscience? Whatever.
Yes, I did cry at work a few times in two years...but nothing major. It's kind of hard not to be sad when you can just feel the hate oozing off of these women, who range in age from late 20s to late 40s.....they are all married, and they took great joy in the fact that I am single and in my 30s. I have long, thick, classic length hair, and a thin petite body, and I dress fashionable. They all dress like old ladies and wear big, baggy shirts big enough for 5 people, and of course, typical old lady hairstyles.
I fell for one of the teachers there, and we had a lot of chemistry between us and he was so great, nice, and helpful to me...but when he married the girl he'd known for 2-3 years before meeting me, they all took great pleasure in my sadness when I cried and couldn't teach 3 classes my first year. The gossip mill started turning and they never let me forget my mistakes. Someone even asked someone else if we liked each other, and he still married someone else. I was one big joke to them. People went to him and teased him about me...he even told me so. He was the only real friend I had in this school. He had a baby last year, and everyone knew but me. A few days before his baby was born, the director walked up to him at lunch, said my name and laughed, and I was sitting right there eating at a nearby table. So mean and evil. She never liked me. Two years ago, she always gave me dirty looks, and was never friendly to me. Another teacher sat at lunch everyday my first year and just stared at me, giving me dirty I hate you looks...it made my lunch time VERY uncomfortable. She would say hello to guys, but never to me. Of course, the guys at work were all pretty friendly to me. Women can be so evil and cruel. I've had trouble on almost every job with women, but this has been the worst. My first year, one of the late 40s ladies told me my hair was beautiful, and in the same sentence turned around and asked me why don't I get married???
Two women told me I should have confessed my feelings to the guy I adore, but I didn't even know he was engaged. The first time I taught his class, I looked at him and it was like WOW...instant connection. I even had a feeling about him before we even met. It isn't our fault we became attracted to each other and he was already engaged. Two days before he got married, he gazd at me down the hall until he got out of sight, and something told me to go talk to him, but I didn't follow my intuition. People have really used me as their laughing medicine for two years. It isn't fair that people treated me this way. I also didn't know about the baby..and the day he missed work, a student told me why he wasn't there, and so many teachers gave me funny looks all day, like they were waiting and hoping for me to break down and cry because he had a baby that day. The director came up to me and asked me in a very condescending, mean voice, "How are you today"? like she was expecting me to cry and have a nervous breakdown. I lied and said I was OK. At lunch, I left the building to get some air, went into a nearby church and cried my eyes out with a lady who works in the church. This man will always have a very special place in my heart...I've never met anyone like him...but I don't think I deserved that kind of torture...it got worse in my second year.
I got renewed for a second year, so I know I don't totally suck as a teacher. Guess they got done using me as their joke, so they said no to a third year, and I was accused of stuff I didn't do. I had to work closely this year with two of the mean women...one was the one who remarked about my hair and mariage in my first year...she always said hello to me this year in a mocking way, and when they man I adore had his baby, she put "very good" in Konglish on the school's webpage..probably to taunt me about it. I got sick in his classroom one day, and I was accused of crying...I got sick...I didn't cry.
One day, I was giggling because some middle school girls next door said I was beautiful. She wondered why I was laughing, and when I told her I just got called beautiful, she looked me up and down, and dissed my outfit in front of 3 other teachers, saying she wants to se me wear longer skirts...although, the skirt I wore had leggings under it, and I wore it at another school, and nothing was said. I told her this, and she proceeded to mention what I had worn the day before, and dissed that outfit, saying it had been a low cut dress. I told her I had a sweater over it...she finally left me alone. I was so embarrased in front of other teachers. This is harassment, and I guess as a foreigner I have no recourse. Two years of dirty looks, laughs, etc. I guess they all took great pleasure in knowing that an attractive girl like me couldn't get a Korean guy (one of their guys) to be with me. Since they hate me, it made their day to see the pretty foreign girl not get the Korean guy. I didn't deserve their treatment. They made me feel like garbage for being single, and only married and pregnant teachers were treated with kindness...like I am less of a woman for being 30 something and single and childless. I thought of suicide so many times...and these are Christian people, too. One of them sat at her desk and read her bible while I taught her class, knowing she backstabbed me and helped get me booted, along with those other women.
Now, I am still looking for a new school for March, and if I don't find one, I will have to move into a motel to look for one until my ARC expires at th end of March, or continue into April with a D-10 visa, using my savings I worked so hard to earn and save....OR back to Mom and Dad's house I will go, unemployed, single and sad. Sometimes, I wish I could just end my life...if suicide would work and I'd go to heaven, I'd do it. I'm so tired of feeling this way.
