Stuff My Students Said - please contribute!

[sarahxcore]

My grade 4 elementary students had to write little cards about themselves and things they do and don't like. There were some hilarious things in there but my favourite was a boy who wrote:

"I like me.
I like kogi.
I don't like you.
I don't like die."

I cannot disagree with any of these statements tbf.

[Oreobda]

Me:  How are you feeling today?  (To the class).
S:    Terrible.
Me:  Why do you feel terrible?
S:    My life is terrible!!

This has been going for weeks. I now call him terrible. He's a good student with a sense of humor. 

[shushu]

I was teaching idioms to my middle school students.

I was attempting "driving me up the wall", where I show a literal picture of a car on a wall. Every class as soon as they see it shout "SPIDER-CAR!!".

Another one worth mentioning is "butterflies in my stomach". Some students said back, chest, I had a student (nicknamed Justin Bieber") enthusiaticially shout "butterflies in my breast!!". I shouldn't find it funny, but I did. 

[SBracken]

Doing a lesson on habits. This was a new word for them, and immediately the students ask, ‘hobbies?’ ‘No, no’ I say, ‘habits’. So I explain the word and give a bunch of examples, and then to make sure they understand, ask them to give examples. Once I’m sure they understand the concept (especially in contrast to ‘hobbies’), I want to make sure they’ve got the pronunciation down.

“Ok guys, listen! Listen carefully now, ha-bits!”

“HOBBITS!  …teacha! why laughing?!”

[terivinix]

One of my part-time jobs is editing people's writing online. Over the years I've had some pretty amazing typos.

-"i can be a person who kills two births with one stone" (Obviously meant "two birds," but this metaphor works even better.)

-"There are foreshore. We caught small crap. My children played so hard. But there was not many crap." (about a trip to the beach, where you can see carp.)

-"Today was raining. I don't like rain so much.
Because I feel not so good about that day's humidity. My jeans are wet. My bag and pipe is wet, too." (Bag and pipe? I hope this person is a Scotsman.)

-"There is a small garden in their back side."
(That's what you get for not having back yards.)

-"I stole the chickennuggit from my roommate. While I fled from him I choked on chicken."
(This was a translation drill. The original phrase was, of course, "I choked on the chicken nugget.")

-"Ironically, the most expensive things in my car are my Methmatics books, which are not stolen. That thief may not be a budding Mathematician." (This was also a translation drill. I would imagine a methmatics book would be valuable. Oddly, the student didn't have any trouble spelling "mathematician.")

-"I work more than 40 hours a week, take an evening course. Meanwhile, my bone is growing." (I really can't explain this one.)

-"This is the incontinent truth that we don't even feel like thinking about." (Inconvenient truth?)

-"Sometime, some testes will be come to them." (Gotta love the tests/testes error.)

-"Today wasn't a very good day because I have 4 testes today." (I warned you, didn't I?)

-"In a computer game, you will have to manage a group of slacker employees at a reproduction shop." (This was a translation drill. The "reproduction shop" was supposed to be a copy shop, not some sort of sex venue.)

-"I have a dream. Actually serevral dreams.
Those are the followings. My dreams of 2008!! There are 4 goals. First, lose my weight about 7kg to be able to wear mini skirt. Second, enter the graduate shool for English translation. Third, meet my ideal half who make true and pure love with me." (I didn't think she could top the Martin Luther King quote, but that last line made it all worthwhile.)

[jisun]

My 5th graders are reviewing the dialogue from the beginning of lesson 11.  As they all recite it amongst themselves, I pick up on one boy who is . . . shall we say . . . enhancing things.

"Ann!  Where the hell are you? / I'm here. / What the f*ck are you doing? / I'm washing my damn hands."

I asked him if he has an older brother who is teaching him this language.  He said, "No, but I watch many English movies."  I told him that he's very good at bad words, but he can't say them in my class any more.

[makeshiftb0y]

I walk into class and see a student with a cast on his arm, so my female co-teacher and I ask what happened.

Students friends: (Pointing at him and laughing) He ride bike and looking at girl! (and make a falling motion with their hands)
Student: No, no, no!
Me: So, what really happened then?
Student: I just fell.
(Co-teacher walks away)
Student: ......I was looking at girl.

[Jozigirl]

My second graders (HS) write weekly journals.  A student wrote an entry about her mid-term exams expressing her disappointment in certain results:

"My Chinese lover gave me two difficult excrements so I couldn't make 100."

[weirdgirlinkorea]

This is not original or too funny, but...
From a 3rd grade girl (elementary) who has practiced telling me she loves me, but not much else says(while playing with my hair),
"_____Teacher, you color hair, right?" And then when I told her no, she look completely confused and said in Korean, "I don't why Korean people all have the same color hair." Haha. Her reaction was funny, because when said the Korean part in a kind of mumble grumble...haha. I think what I find more funny about it, is I've been teaching this 3rd grade for their whole school duration, and they were enthusiastic when I met them but not really curious about me, like the previous 3rd grade was, and now 8 mos later they're fascinated.

[rookiewaygook]

It was sports day on Friday. Each team had signs they would hold up, but this one was the best.

It should say something along the lines of, "If we win, we'll share our porn with you."

[aloe]

"Would you do me a favor?" class turned into repeated  "Would you do me...." because they have a hard time remembering the word favor.  I felt a little scared teaching them that haha.

[mumu]

Teacher: What do you want to get this Christmas?
Student: I want to get Santa.

[theTazz]

A page in Student 1's book is torn, meaning he can't complete the writing exercise because half the page is missing. I respond with exaggerated shock, "What is this?? Why?"

Student 2: "Is running. Book is running." Makes running motions.

Me: "Really? The <book> was running?"

Student 2: "Yes. Book is crazy."

[lady.with.a.fan]

i teach at a boys high school. they are very advanced and they study allllllllll the time so they're tired and generally sleep during my class. so i joke with them a lot ok this period! we sleep! so one class i tried my oh so funny joke and a kid looks up at me, trying to practice his english in earnest, and says "yes! we sleep together!" ooooooh well... not quite...

[ArmoredButterfly]

One of my higher level middle school boys talking to me before class:

"Teacher, I sold my soul."
"You what?"
"I sold my soul."
 "Umm.. ok. . Did you get a lot of money for it?"
"No teacher. Free."
"You gave it for free?"
"Yes."
"To who?"
"My girlfriend."
"Oh, because you love her so much?"
"No teacher. She make me. She very evil."
 
I very quickly went from "Awww how cute" to "Wait..WHAT?"

[Kev20]

Speaking Test Question: What did you do for your Birthday?
Correct Answer: I ate out with my family.
Actual Student Answer: I ate my family. 

[coolguyjep]

These posts have really made my day. Absolutely Comical!

[makeshiftb0y]

Speaking test prompt:  You are making an exercise plan...

Me: Hi. What are you doing?
Student: (looking confused) ...I'm taking a speaking test.


Speaking test prompt:  You are on the internet looking for an e-pal...

Me: Hi. Whare you doing on the internet?
Student: Oh, I'm looking for an e-pal.
Me: Oh, really? Why do you want an e-pal?
Student: I want to make e-pal friends with a girl, and I hope to meet her and make love to her.

[jisun]

My 6th grade, lesson 12 worksheet has a Secret Code section.  One of the answers works out to "Will you help me do the dishes?"  As I walked around the room looking at the students' work, I noticed one boy had erased and re-written until the paper wore thin.  His current attempt: "Will you help me do the teacher?"

[Ytse Jam]

The two best ones I got today were...

"Teacher, the day before yesterday is Halloween, so give me candy."

And while teaching a lesson on how to give directions...
Me: "How do you get from the book store to the theater?"
Student: "Take a taxi."